It's been a while

It's been a while since I last put my hands on this. I don't know if it's because I have nothing to write (which is really impossible since I always have something to say) or because of the things that happened to me these past few weeks and months.

Whatever it is that kept me from writing here, I'm not letting it keep me from writing anymore.

Writing my thoughts always helped me analyze myself. I'm my own shrink. I know that whatever amount of advice I get from anyone, at the end of the day, I still have the last say. So, here's to my shrink!

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So what's up with me now? Well, I've been trying to kill myself lately with work, which I sometimes hate already. But I have convinced myself that this is what I wanted and asked for so no whining about it. It just saddens me that I seem to be missing out on a lot right now... or am I?

So I work two jobs: one is in Mandaluyong, the other in Libis. Both are on a freelance/ contractual basis. I sleep more or less 4 hours a day and I don't get to enjoy my weekends the way I want to.

But like I said, I can't complain. Not that I really can't but I shouldn't.

I have jobs that pay our bills. I get to go home to a home-cooked breakfast prepared by my mom. I get to have lunch with my dad. I am welcomed by my yapping dog, Kimchi. I get to save the money I don't spend on weekends out with friends. and I spend more time with my family.

Taking these things into consideration, I'm thinking that I gained more than what I lost. Well, all's not lost yet. My friends are still there. The gimiks are still there. It's what I haven't had for the longest time that matters most; my time with my family.

A few minutes ago I had the strongest feeling of loneliness and self-pity; working in an office all alone with no one to talk to, while all of my friends are out on a night-out or sleeping soundly in their beds, while I have to toil until the wee hours of the morning...

But then I'm reminded how blessed I am to have what I have. I hear Marlin and Dory in my head.

Dory: Are... are you my conscience?
Marlin: [sighs] Yes, I'm your conscience. We haven't spoken for a while. How are you?
Dory: Eh, can't complain.

Yeah, I won't.

I miss...

arriving in a city that is clean and bright...

travelling at night without worrying for my life...

living somewhere where I am a stranger, a visitor, a traveller...

eating food that would make me smell and taste like the way it does...

making new friends...

attending my sf, dgroup and hfg...

cooking my own food...

doing my own laundry...

cleaning my own room...

budgeting my allowance...

doing everything on my own...

ronnie and the gurls; gem and donna; ice; jade, ate beng and ana...

jan 4 to feb 1...

walking on the beach...

dreaming and making them come true...

i miss you...

I'm back... but not quite...

That's how i really feel lately.

I've been wanting for months to come back home but the moment I arrived at the airport last Sunday, I wanted to fly back to Singapore right away! Too bad i didn't have the money to... sux.

I'm happy that I finally got to hug my mom and kiss her; meet my dad and tell him how much I miss him; spend time with my sibs and my niece which I coveted for the longest time; bond with my aunts, uncle and cousins which I haven't done for so long; go out with friends and hang-out with them; to catch-up and make-up for lost time. I'm supposed to be happy. I am. But not as happy as I want to be.

I'm feel happy (and lucky) that I still have something to come back to: family, friends and my work. But it just feels like something is missing. Call me ungrateful, but I never felt so empty for the longest time.

I guess the SG bug bit me, but there's something more to it.

I guess I know why.

"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Even Matthew and Luke knew about this.

I just hope that I can focus my mind soon. Get my act together. I can't be a scatter-brain, not now. Focus.

I kept saying that I'm so back... but I guess I'm not. I'm hollow. I'm empty. I left my heart in Singapore.

Happy day!

I'm so psyched tonight, i can't even wait to post this from a computer (i'm using my celphone to blog)! I was hanging out with my friend ronnie a while ago when i recieved a call from my housemates saying that we received something from in the mail. They say it was a packet with no labels so they decided to open it. To their surprise the contents of the packet were the things that i lost a few days ago: my spass, atm, proxy card and ezlink. They also returned my family pictures which i'm really thankful they returned. My wallet and cash was not returned anymore though i wish they could have returned half of... Hehe.. Still, it is enough reason for me to celebrate.. I'm just so happy that i dont have to go through all that trouble to replace my spass. I'm so happy.. Things are looking up now.. It's bound to get better!

Be strong and take courage

We've all had our share of disappointments in life. We have all been discouraged and have thought of giving up.

That reflection that used to stare at you from the mirror, straight in the eye; standing so tall and proud now hangs his head low...

In pain from the betrayal of people you used to trust and vowed to serve with all your life and might;

In anger from not being able to take things into your own hands;

In frustration from things not going as you planned them;

In shame for your failure to achieve what you came to do...

Discouragement is not an easy thing to deal with. With discouragement comes depression; something that I have come to be fully acquainted with even before I came to Singapore. But the former things; my past hurts and pains has taught me a lot in dealing with discouragement and also with my depression.

Cliche as it may sound, thinking positive still does the trick. Optimism is the key.

Having a clear mind on what to do next can actually help you get through any barrier that disappointment, discouragement and depression burdens you with; that is actually better than letting all the negative things just bury you six feet underground.

But above all, nothing and no one can get us out of all the shitty things that we can get ourselves into except the powerful arms of the one who loves us so much; the one who made us to be more that what we think we can be; the one who begs to disagree when all the world sees you as someone that you're not; the one who wonderfully and fearfully made you for his purpose... It was my savior Jesus Christ who got me through... and I believe that he will continue to in the days to come.

So when you feel discouraged, hold on to his word. He who began a good work in you will continue to complete it in you and through you. Do not give up on doing good, especially when you feel like not doing good, for you will receive a great harvest at the right time if you do not give up.

Press on. Keep your eyes on Jesus. You are blessed.

(Hebrews 10:35-36; Galatians 6:9; Philippians 1:6; Psalm 138:7)

Suffering for a cause?

I don't know how all this things escalated into something with this kind of magnitude. All I know is that I went to Singapore to earn a good living for me and my family... and maybe run away from things that I knew wasn't good for me anymore. I just acted on what I thought God was leading me to. I stepped with faith into something unknown. I just want to have a good life. Is that too much to ask? To have a good life? Why can't everything just be wonderful all the way? Why am I so naive? Am I just too desperate?

Everything went so well. Yes, there were rough edges, but soon enough everything went smoothly. I didn't even have to stress on it too much. I never lifted a finger. I just went with the flow. Seriously. It was as if the tide was carrying me overseas and I just went with it. I never felt opposition upon entering this new territory, Singapore. It felt like I was made for this. It felt like I am where I'm supposed to be.

But i guess, just like my hair, things can stay fixed that long. One strand is bound to go out of place and eventually it won't take long 'til I find my hair dishevelled.

First he liked me: loved everything about me, even gave me that real fly watch. Then he didn't like me: I'm too slow, I'm incompetent, I'm a pirate (this isn't really a nice thing to say according to this Chinese guy), I am rude. The next thing I know, I was out of work. Maybe if I shouldn't have defended myself. Maybe I should've just let them trample me over.

I eventually got over that rough patch... we actually fixed everything... That's what I thought.

After being kicked out due to my rude behavior and inefficiency, I tried to look for other jobs. I got a call from this guy who said he'd love to talk with me to work out something that we could both benefit from.

I knew from the start that it was kinda shady... my instincts told me so... even my colleagues and friends told me so, but I didn't listen. I was so bent on proving myself, that I can still be useful, that I can still be someone who will eventually get what he wants: a good life for him and his family; a dreamer and a doer that wants to make a positive change in his life which in turn will change things around him.

I went to KL hoping that things will be different this time. I guess I should've took the hint the first time I smelled trouble. I should've never went down that bus, heck I shouldn't even have gone to KL in the first place.

Arrived there last Thursday. I was made to sleep in a sofa in a house that needs serious cleaning... but I didn't mind. But what I did mind was waking up in the middle of the night with someone groping my genitals in the dark. This jerk dragged me, literally, from the sofa to his room and started stripping me off my clothes.

I am 5'6" tall, medium built and strong enough to defend myself. This sleazy, old chinese guy was almost 6 feet and heavier than I am. I don't know what came into his mind that he decided to just do that. He was persistent but I fought back. I should've left that very minute but my stupid mind told me to stay.

Friday went out ok. Things weren't as good as they should be: we still haven't got to talk much about work, but the day went just like that. The next thing I know, it was already Saturday.

And just like the previous days, nothing much happened. I just had to stay and talk with this uber negative, foul-mouthed, arrogant chinese man who had nothing good to say about the Philippine media industry and insults for me.

I totally snapped when after dinner, we were talking about proposals for projects that we were planning to to and he asked me if I wanted to write down my ideas. I told him that if I write it down does it mean I'm in it. He snapped back and told me that I sound like I don't trust him. Heck yeah! I don't trust him, but I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Then he started calculating: You're staying here for free and stuff like that. Then He tells me that I'm ugly, that I am worthless, that I am nothing, that I am a pirate (He even said that it didn't come from me but from my former boss); he said things that really made me blow my top off.

I told him that I am not what he says I am and if he continues to treat me that way, I am leaving. The jerk couldn't stop so I left him that very moment... Something that I should've done days ago.

I may have played around before but that doesn't make me easy. I will never use sex to further my career. I have brains and I will use it. My head has a bigger brain than my dick. And I don't need anyone to tell me how ugly I am. I don't need anyone to tell me how worthless I am. I don't need anyone telling me things like that because I know it ain't true. I am worth more than what stupid jerks like him can see.

In my desperation, I have become stupid. I have taken things in my own hand. I should've listened more to what his word says I am that listening to these insignificant few who tried to put me down.

I thought that was the end of my suffering but it seems like when it rains it really pours.

I arrived in Singapore yesterday and today I planned to still scout for job openings. I was planning to stay until the end of the month; if nothing happens I'm going back home. So I went to Orchard Road and went to see my friend at Orchard Towers. While waiting for him I went around the building looking at shops. Prior to going to Orchard Towers I was holding my hand phone and wallet. I was worried I might lose it so I placed it inside my bag. I haven't eaten breakfast yet so I decided to go to McDonald's and grab a bite. I placed my order already and was about to pay when I found out that my wallet was nowhere to be found.

I lost my s pass, ez link, atm and cash: 1500SGD (47,377.05) and 40MYR (526.399). I was carrying a lot of money because I brought it all to Malaysia. Since I wasn't staying there anymore, I was going to surprise my mom by sending her half of it since I wasn't able to remit yet... But I guess someone needed it more than I do.

I feel sad because of the things that has happened to me but I am still thankful that I am still blessed.

I could've been mugged and killed in Malaysia carrying that amount of money ( that's more than 3000MYR). Besides, it's a good thing that I still haven't received that money from GMA... so I still have money to rebook my ticket... I just need to keep nagging GMA finance to send me the money already. And it was a good thing that I paid my rent in advance, at least I don't own that much anymore.

Please do continue to pray for me. I am now talking comfort in God's word: "And we know that for those who love God, that is, for those who are called according to his purpose, all things are working together for good." Rom 8:28

Guys join me...

Let's pray for the Lamberths they really need prayers badly. Thanks.